In Memory of John "TotalBiscuit" Bain

I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this post.

I guess in some way I feel like I owe the man something. It might very well be something I never thought I'd feel, which is mourning for someone I knew only as a public figure. Mind you, I felt the loss of other big names of the various hobbies I follow. Authors, actors, musicians. But it never felt this close I guess.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing it as in why I'm making a public post about it. I'm pretty much a nobody. I'm trying to write for a living, and it's not going amazingly at the moment (mainly because I'm awful at marketing I think). The man was just one year older than me, and he reached with his career, following his passion, more than I even dream to achieve in double that time. All the while still having a loving relationship and caring for a child.

Yet here we are. I'm here, and he passed away. It feels unfair.

I guess since I'm a writer this is my way of processing things. So, yeah, that.

I never knew the man personally. I'm just one of the countless fans that he had throughout the world. One of the more silent ones. But he had quite the profound impact in my life nonetheless.

I've been a gamer pretty much all my life. I remember I was young playing the Atari Diablo 128 (at least that's what it was called here in Italy, an Atari station with in-built games). Videogames were always a part of my life.

I started following TotalBiscuit about six years ago. His coverage of games helped me a lot finding interesting new gems in a generation of gaming that was gearing towards pretty same-y titles, he shined a light on the indie scene, and I'm sure I'm not the only one that found hours of entertainment and had a good time at a reasonable price thanks to his coverage of those titles and the dreaded Steam sales.

His first impressions (don't call them reviews. They were first impressions. He was pretty clear about that.) made me discover Guild Wars 2. I was in the market for an MMO, and I wanted to try one of the big names. His and Joe's coverage made me delve into Tyria, and there I found friends I'm still holding dear to this day, that helped me through very tough moments and got me back into tabletop RPG's as well. And if that wasn't the case, I don't think today I'd be trying my hand at writing one myself.

See, it's all very little things, but you see how they connect? It's kind of amazing.

But that's not it. Yes, that would have been already enough for me to be fond of him and his work, but he went the extra mile. He was incredibly personable, but especially, he had a stalwart integrity to himself. He recognized his mistakes without trying to hide them. He held people accountable always trying his best to take the side of the consumers through a plethora of bullshit from the industry.

He always championed for net neutrality and fair use. He kept going up to the very fucking last. Even when he was in therapy, he still tried his best to get content and coverage out.

I was inspired by him. Even in a field that seems to have not much to do with gaming, he inspired me. The way he tried to be positive for the community is one part of what makes me want to be positive for it. Maybe I'd have come up with #CharactersTell anyway, maybe not, but what I know is that he's one of the influences I had on trying to do something good.

It's with how he dealt with people lashing out at him with DMCA's due to his opinions on their games that I realized that yes, a bad review can always happen, and you don't try to silence it, whatever you might think of it. I went through something similar just a short time ago, and I think the examples I found in his work helped me keep a cooler head and take it for what it was.

It was his way of remaining firm in his integrity, the way he pointed out the problems in game journalism and the various collusions and unknown deals that made me want to be honest in reviews and not take easy routes.

Fuck, it was his coverage of his own illness that helped me take the step forward and get screened, not letting my guard down and become too complacent with my own health.

And he kept being funny as hell, too.

And now he's gone.

I wasn't his friend. He always tried to make it clear, even in that regard, even if people didn't like what he was saying, but he was honest to his followers and fans about the relationship there was.

But he damn well indirectly helped me find some people I'm proud to call friends, and if this is not a friend thing to do along with all the rest, then I don't know what is.

Rest in peace, TB. May you find metal cruises, perfect FOV sliders, constant 60 FPS and peace wherever you are right now.

See you at the respawn.

And fuck cancer.